I never knew how liking someone feels, so when I felt fishy about that certain someone, I asked a friend who has a boyfriend, and she said that:
...your eyes will trail after them, and they're the first person you try to search in a crowd.And it's not just that. When they speak, their voice gives you shivers, when they are close you want to hold them, when you see them you cannot advert your eyes. The feeling can be described as the process of redirecting lightning, an intense, exhilarating, but terrifying experience. You laugh for no reason at one time, and then cry the next moment from pain. I realized I'm a very dominant person. I get really jealous when they get too friendly with other people, and get depressed when they ignore me. When being with them, I feel so happy I could just die.
It is a torture being friends with them, because you like them, but you can't do anything about it. You don't want to ruin the friendship and trust formed. If they were a guy, I wouldn't be this sad, but they aren't. You know what I mean.
I cried almost everyday for at least 2 hours just for her, thinking of my dumb heart. I know it's going to hurt deeper than hell, but what can I do? The heart never stops beating. The fact that she's from the same checkpoint as me makes it hurt more. I had nothing to lose, so I decided to be honest with her on the day of departure and end things, to make my heart easier. 14 February 2015. Valentines's Day. Great.
I tried to pull her away from the crowd, but she wouldn't budge no matter how I begged. The I asked her, "Do you know something?" She answered with that damn killer smile, "What do you think?" That was the last straw. I got so frustrated at myself, before we board the bus, I told her: "After this, we have nothing to do with each other." I regretted saying that sometimes, but I knew it was for the best. The mere sight of her can pierce my heart like a thousand, no... maybe infinite knives.
If you ask me why I like her, I couldn't give you an answer, because I don't know. This is when the 'Love is blind' quote comes in. However, the reason maybe she's everything I wanted to be: great body, a pretty face for show, athletic, and really good at conversations, especially with boys. She's everything I'm not. I envy her. And maybe that's why I like her so much. Opposites attract right?
Don't get me wrong, I think I still like guys, because I feel nothing for other girls other than her. And I feel stupid because my first love was actually a girl. I had counsel with two friends in camp, both who have friends like me. I'm thankful to them for understanding me and giving me support, even though it was for a short time. I can live my life peacefully without seeing her anywhere, and I hope, that time can heal my shattered heart. It may leave a tiny scar, but that is what makes me stronger. There are more challenges to come in the future, and I can't be idle.
And to her, if you're reading this (I doubt it), I'm sorry I ever said that, and if at that time you didn't know what I think you know, now you know. However I'm still done with you until the scar in my hearts never aches again (Harry Potter pun intended).
Childhood song #5:
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