3rd playthrough:
Companion: memechoco
They're not a white robe, but if I'm not mistaken the robe embroidery is complete. They were the first companion I had to be THIS funny. They kept tripping, and I don't know why! I thought there was a button for tripping LOL. Then I realized there's a trick to it. I wanted them to mediate with me, so I kept chirping, and waited for myself to sit (I was stupid, should've just pressed START button). Thy understood, and sat down with me. Ta-da! Achievement GET! During the last moments in the snowstorm, the wind kept blowing their robe up, and I saw their underwear EVERY SINGLE TIME! Gosh!
At the end we drew heart shapes in the snow and I messaged them after the game!
4th playthrough:
Companion: GenKillYou
I tried tripping, and managed to get the gist of it. I tripped myself, and lay there face down, waiting to scare the next person who came. I saw glowing, so there's someone there already. It's a white robe! They kept flying around, I didn't catch sight of them until they landed and flew off again. Then I got bored and stood up. They came to greet me, and faceplant themselves. We faceplanted for majority of the game XD. This time when I kept tripping, I see my own butt and underwear.
At the end we drew heart shapes! Yeay! Then they told me to sit at the edge, so I did. I got an idea of them pushing me down the cliff, and they did. I was floating in midair. We faceplanted some more before walking zig-zag to the valley.
To Amberly: Go get Journey. It is awesome, you're not gunna regret it!
26 February 2015
PLKN Journal: fourth week
27/12/14-星期六
第22天/剩48天
早上没做什么，我就从9点睡到11点，下去吃午餐，上来洗衣后又继续睡，然后5点半下去集合。
Tokong两个星期没开，今天他们终于去到了！一个两个6点晚上才回来。
晚上谈到队长的不是，才发现不只我们有问题，隔壁房也有很多问题。啊啊啊来到NS就是会遇到各种各样的人啊。
29/12/14-星期一
第24天/剩46天
昨天没写是因为太生气了，有人把毛巾盖在要干的衣服上啊啊啊！！！！
今天凌晨三四点被Nik踢床边吵醒，叫我陪她去厕所。天！你要去厕所自己去啦！要人家陪都好也不需要踢人家床边叫醒人吧！靠她的我鼻塞好不容易睡了叫我，你要我怎样睡回去啊？！起身后我大骂一场。
晚上和Butter打架，也晚了些无聊的‘游戏’（穿着kasut kelas蹲下来在礼堂被人拉着走，蛮好玩的）。
我要睡觉时老师突然长发飘飘开门进来，吓死人（我睡在门旁）。
30/12/14-星期二
第25天/剩45天
今天我好失败。下午的halangan，到了第四个就不行了。过后的也做不下去，因为哭个不停。有可能是没戴眼镜吧！有可能是因为我踏出的脚是左脚。这可是我的第一项活动仂！我都做不到了！那以后的flying fox怎么办？大家都是身贴泥地会房，而我却干干净净，红着眼。更羞的是，Butter竟然看到了！
凯倪安慰说至少我试着去做，不像有些人，没事情却没参与。
晚上看到Butter放头发，难得的！！！
31/12/14-星期三
第26天/剩44天
再多几个小时就明年咯~我今年来NS明年才回家？！酱讲的话就有点久了……
上课时有temu bual活动，轮到我时一直瞪着interview我的人，最后我赢了……过后我interview的人就是interview我的人，很巧！
新（洋）年快乐！
02/01/15-星期五
第28天/剩42天
唉，昨天晚上发烧，没有写到日记。昨天早上要下去集合时看到很多星星！还有，我长那么大了还是第一次看到北斗七星！感动！
我生病越来越糟，今天早上还来东西，超意外的。
今天下午进森林煮饭，一个dorm分成两组，我和队长同一组啊啊啊！！！！
第22天/剩48天
早上没做什么，我就从9点睡到11点，下去吃午餐，上来洗衣后又继续睡，然后5点半下去集合。
Tokong两个星期没开，今天他们终于去到了！一个两个6点晚上才回来。
晚上谈到队长的不是，才发现不只我们有问题，隔壁房也有很多问题。啊啊啊来到NS就是会遇到各种各样的人啊。
29/12/14-星期一
第24天/剩46天
昨天没写是因为太生气了，有人把毛巾盖在要干的衣服上啊啊啊！！！！
今天凌晨三四点被Nik踢床边吵醒，叫我陪她去厕所。天！你要去厕所自己去啦！要人家陪都好也不需要踢人家床边叫醒人吧！靠她的我鼻塞好不容易睡了叫我，你要我怎样睡回去啊？！起身后我大骂一场。
晚上和Butter打架，也晚了些无聊的‘游戏’（穿着kasut kelas蹲下来在礼堂被人拉着走，蛮好玩的）。
我要睡觉时老师突然长发飘飘开门进来，吓死人（我睡在门旁）。
30/12/14-星期二
第25天/剩45天
今天我好失败。下午的halangan，到了第四个就不行了。过后的也做不下去，因为哭个不停。有可能是没戴眼镜吧！有可能是因为我踏出的脚是左脚。这可是我的第一项活动仂！我都做不到了！那以后的flying fox怎么办？大家都是身贴泥地会房，而我却干干净净，红着眼。更羞的是，Butter竟然看到了！
凯倪安慰说至少我试着去做，不像有些人，没事情却没参与。
晚上看到Butter放头发，难得的！！！
31/12/14-星期三
第26天/剩44天
再多几个小时就明年咯~我今年来NS明年才回家？！酱讲的话就有点久了……
上课时有temu bual活动，轮到我时一直瞪着interview我的人，最后我赢了……过后我interview的人就是interview我的人，很巧！
新（洋）年快乐！
02/01/15-星期五
第28天/剩42天
唉，昨天晚上发烧，没有写到日记。昨天早上要下去集合时看到很多星星！还有，我长那么大了还是第一次看到北斗七星！感动！
我生病越来越糟，今天早上还来东西，超意外的。
今天下午进森林煮饭，一个dorm分成两组，我和队长同一组啊啊啊！！！！
20 February 2015
PLKN Journal: third week
20/12/14-星期六
第15天/剩55天
今天还不错，洗厕所！洗完后吃午餐就睡，一睡到4点。起来后才想起要看好嘉婷，叫醒慧祺一起去。过后悲剧来了。我差不多要干了的衣服被人家的湿衣服盖上！气死我了！！！
打电话给老妈，问她明天是否可以来看我，顺便带些书和干粮。
21/12/14-星期日
第16天/剩54天
明天进入第三个星期，时间似乎过得很快~今天老妈给我带了KFC，还买错了Reader's Digest，不过还好，买了2014年的Classic Reads给我。所有她带来的东西整整齐齐地塞入橱内，非常有成就感。
老爸带了jambu，我（被）拿了两个，一个给我吃，一个给朋友，可是我把我那份给人家，非常对不起父母啊……
晚上打给Ainina，有够欠打的！和她对话一下用了五块钱，天！
22/12/14-星期一
第17天/剩53天
发现我吃东西很‘凶’：快快那，快快吃，快快洗，快快走。
今天下一天的雨，kawad kaki取消。总觉得在NS会一直被小玘（？叫Butter好了）电到！她真会利用她那张脸（其实也不怎么样啦……）！她确定自己在光华没粉丝吗？！
23/12/14-星期二
第18天/剩52天
今天终于大号了！（误）已经好几天没便意，害怕要去medic拿药……
越来越多人生病了自己要保重！昨天下午没能操步，所以在礼堂听课。听到游泳时……fangirl来了！自己在暗笑。如果Ainina在场就好了~我的心受不了啊啊~
晚上我要睡下去时有人敲门，还以为是老师，谁知一开门是Butter，吓死我了！
24/12/14-星期三
第19天/剩51天
今天Christian的都统统回家了，Yenie回了，又有人被quarantine，所以房间只剩下没几个人，有点冷清。
25/12/14-星期四
第20天/剩50天
今天Christmas，早上看《Ah Boys to Men 2》，总觉得老师是特地给我们看的……然后我们去验尿了，看有没有怀孕（当然没有！）
晚上佩贞叫我陪她去拿男生的kekuatan。到Delta时遇到ketua platoon，还被他靠。后来我发现他很眼熟。后来才知道他是和慧祺有‘暧昧’的Dexter！听说他哪个女生都靠，果真，因为我长成这副样子都靠是很严重了。他讲我cool又帅是有点开心啦~
26/12/14-星期五
第21天/剩49天
今天早上下很大很大很大的雨，大到6点半全部人都还没下来。最后还是没有perbarisan，以为麦克风也坏了（LOL）。今天算是一整天都在下，上课时在下，回dorm睡觉还在下，下礼堂TTS，做到很很像少林寺！
过后没有做什么，就坐下来谈天。可以借帅气的Donna谈天，瑞汶开心死了！Don脸长得像男的，只是头小了一点。Butter没戴眼镜时很想外国人。
第15天/剩55天
今天还不错，洗厕所！洗完后吃午餐就睡，一睡到4点。起来后才想起要看好嘉婷，叫醒慧祺一起去。过后悲剧来了。我差不多要干了的衣服被人家的湿衣服盖上！气死我了！！！
打电话给老妈，问她明天是否可以来看我，顺便带些书和干粮。
21/12/14-星期日
第16天/剩54天
明天进入第三个星期，时间似乎过得很快~今天老妈给我带了KFC，还买错了Reader's Digest，不过还好，买了2014年的Classic Reads给我。所有她带来的东西整整齐齐地塞入橱内，非常有成就感。
老爸带了jambu，我（被）拿了两个，一个给我吃，一个给朋友，可是我把我那份给人家，非常对不起父母啊……
晚上打给Ainina，有够欠打的！和她对话一下用了五块钱，天！
22/12/14-星期一
第17天/剩53天
发现我吃东西很‘凶’：快快那，快快吃，快快洗，快快走。
今天下一天的雨，kawad kaki取消。总觉得在NS会一直被小玘（？叫Butter好了）电到！她真会利用她那张脸（其实也不怎么样啦……）！她确定自己在光华没粉丝吗？！
23/12/14-星期二
第18天/剩52天
今天终于大号了！（误）已经好几天没便意，害怕要去medic拿药……
越来越多人生病了自己要保重！昨天下午没能操步，所以在礼堂听课。听到游泳时……fangirl来了！自己在暗笑。如果Ainina在场就好了~我的心受不了啊啊~
晚上我要睡下去时有人敲门，还以为是老师，谁知一开门是Butter，吓死我了！
24/12/14-星期三
第19天/剩51天
今天Christian的都统统回家了，Yenie回了，又有人被quarantine，所以房间只剩下没几个人，有点冷清。
25/12/14-星期四
第20天/剩50天
今天Christmas，早上看《Ah Boys to Men 2》，总觉得老师是特地给我们看的……然后我们去验尿了，看有没有怀孕（当然没有！）
晚上佩贞叫我陪她去拿男生的kekuatan。到Delta时遇到ketua platoon，还被他靠。后来我发现他很眼熟。后来才知道他是和慧祺有‘暧昧’的Dexter！听说他哪个女生都靠，果真，因为我长成这副样子都靠是很严重了。他讲我cool又帅是有点开心啦~
26/12/14-星期五
第21天/剩49天
今天早上下很大很大很大的雨，大到6点半全部人都还没下来。最后还是没有perbarisan，以为麦克风也坏了（LOL）。今天算是一整天都在下，上课时在下，回dorm睡觉还在下，下礼堂TTS，做到很很像少林寺！
过后没有做什么，就坐下来谈天。可以借帅气的Donna谈天，瑞汶开心死了！Don脸长得像男的，只是头小了一点。Butter没戴眼镜时很想外国人。
19 February 2015
PLKN Journal: second week
13/12/14-星期六
第8天/剩62天
今天是我进入kem后的第一个假日。前几天看到彩虹，忘了是几时。
今天拿回手机后，昱恩就sms来。之前还想说问候她，可是电话号码换了，所以没办法联络。我们谈了一会，她那里找到了‘同党’。
最后，我真的希望我可以过明天拿关。
14/12/14-星期日
第9天/剩61天
今天是家长来访的日子。来到这我发现我有很多字不会写，然后又没有字典。
我过了今天这一关。晚餐是人家煮的面。明天进入第二个星期，我非常希望以后的日子可以像这样快快地过。我很想念妃子们，我要听歌，我想安心睡觉，我想要回iPod nano。
16/12/14-星期二
第11天/剩59天
昨天太累，根本没写日记。今天第一次kawad练习。坐下时才感觉到脚很累。今晚第一次吃杯面，也是第一天次吃vitamin c。最近天气冷，那天洗的衣服都干不了。第二个星期开始好玩了，活动蛮多的。目前还没来东西，希望它不要来给我带麻烦。
17/12/14-星期三
第12天/剩58天
今天玩a-frame和sea rescue，听说都是team building的游戏。在报纸看到Legolas和Thranduil，啊哈哈哈……帅死了！！！！可惜没能用tumblr啊啊啊啊。很想叫老豆买漫画，可是如果他帮我买错就好笑咯~
Coming here to National Service taught me a few life lessons. Looking at some of my dormmates I see myself in them. Their actions reflect my past attitude. It is a weird process really.
There's this girl in my dorm who comes from KL. Really, she's the type I was scared to death of during my time in school. She talks like some hawker stall auntie from Eng Ann! It's hard to believe she's Cantonese. What's more, she more spoilt of a child than me. She says she's not in the category of girls that tries to impress boys... I don't see why not. But anyway, living with her teaches me tolerance so it's worth it, I guess.
18/12/14-星期四
第13天/剩57天
今天穿full loreng拍照！我是不会笑的，所以不用期望会看到我的牙齿。Navigasi学会Geografi，我只能说：“天！”那之后开始mentor mentee的活动，我组里有几个在上课时认识的，算很好。
我发现F8的老师很不好相处，跟她请安就只会瞪着人家，好像我们做错事酱。难得晚上不会很累，可是就是很懒惰上厕所，唉。
19/12/14-星期五
第14天/剩56天
正式进入森林！
早上上modul 2，还有玩什么不信的游戏。下午天气还好，就进森林了。还好jurulatih讲完了它才下雨，因为过后下到不能停！最后因为下雨没有riadah。回去洗澡后洗衣服，还被割到指甲流血。明天剪指甲好了。
听老师说不知第几个星期会进森林过夜（不用洗澡？!).
F7y有人（嘉婷）病的很重，它们还是不让她回家或如院。说好在房休息，可是一天那么累那么晚睡，可以吗？
第8天/剩62天
今天是我进入kem后的第一个假日。前几天看到彩虹，忘了是几时。
今天拿回手机后，昱恩就sms来。之前还想说问候她，可是电话号码换了，所以没办法联络。我们谈了一会，她那里找到了‘同党’。
最后，我真的希望我可以过明天拿关。
14/12/14-星期日
第9天/剩61天
今天是家长来访的日子。来到这我发现我有很多字不会写，然后又没有字典。
我过了今天这一关。晚餐是人家煮的面。明天进入第二个星期，我非常希望以后的日子可以像这样快快地过。我很想念妃子们，我要听歌，我想安心睡觉，我想要回iPod nano。
16/12/14-星期二
第11天/剩59天
昨天太累，根本没写日记。今天第一次kawad练习。坐下时才感觉到脚很累。今晚第一次吃杯面，也是第一天次吃vitamin c。最近天气冷，那天洗的衣服都干不了。第二个星期开始好玩了，活动蛮多的。目前还没来东西，希望它不要来给我带麻烦。
17/12/14-星期三
第12天/剩58天
今天玩a-frame和sea rescue，听说都是team building的游戏。在报纸看到Legolas和Thranduil，啊哈哈哈……帅死了！！！！可惜没能用tumblr啊啊啊啊。很想叫老豆买漫画，可是如果他帮我买错就好笑咯~
Coming here to National Service taught me a few life lessons. Looking at some of my dormmates I see myself in them. Their actions reflect my past attitude. It is a weird process really.
There's this girl in my dorm who comes from KL. Really, she's the type I was scared to death of during my time in school. She talks like some hawker stall auntie from Eng Ann! It's hard to believe she's Cantonese. What's more, she more spoilt of a child than me. She says she's not in the category of girls that tries to impress boys... I don't see why not. But anyway, living with her teaches me tolerance so it's worth it, I guess.
18/12/14-星期四
第13天/剩57天
今天穿full loreng拍照！我是不会笑的，所以不用期望会看到我的牙齿。Navigasi学会Geografi，我只能说：“天！”那之后开始mentor mentee的活动，我组里有几个在上课时认识的，算很好。
我发现F8的老师很不好相处，跟她请安就只会瞪着人家，好像我们做错事酱。难得晚上不会很累，可是就是很懒惰上厕所，唉。
19/12/14-星期五
第14天/剩56天
正式进入森林！
早上上modul 2，还有玩什么不信的游戏。下午天气还好，就进森林了。还好jurulatih讲完了它才下雨，因为过后下到不能停！最后因为下雨没有riadah。回去洗澡后洗衣服，还被割到指甲流血。明天剪指甲好了。
听老师说不知第几个星期会进森林过夜（不用洗澡？!).
F7y有人（嘉婷）病的很重，它们还是不让她回家或如院。说好在房休息，可是一天那么累那么晚睡，可以吗？
16 February 2015
PLKN Journal: first week
06/12/14-Saturday
When I say crap Saturday, I really meant it was crap.
It was hot and humid and I sat on the bus for nearly 3 hours before reaching the place. No wonder dad said he couldn't find the camp. Few were lucky to get a place near home (Ipoh). The basket did not come in handy... yet. Maybe next time, maybe. I carried my stuff till my hands ache back to my dorm. It was a black plastic bag with all our clothes and shoes, plus blankets and bed sheets. After all that I had to carry my luggage ALL the way uphill to my dorm. It was the farthest place (pun intended, guess the soundtrack), and required a lot of work to get my things on. Getting down will be like Sonic though.
07/12/14-Sunday
2nd day/69 days left
今天很闲。本来以为可以4点多洗澡，哪知道洗到一半要集合，听到报告吓死人！没想到我昨晚竟哭着入睡，想想有点后悔昨天的臭脸，应该好好说再见……写到有点眼湿湿的。我找到好方法不让自己太伤心——倒数日子。这是可以让我心好受一点的方法。
08/12/14-星期一
第3天/剩68天
啊，以后应该没机会这样有空了吧？除了星期日之外，大概也没什么机会写日记了。每天争厕所，争洗澡间，争食物……只希望生活可以过得好，一天一天快快地过。
虽然很累，以后会更累，可是晚上看见了一个在家是永远不可能看到的情景——满天的星星（当然还有很大很远很亮的月亮）。忽然有点感动。
09/12/14-星期二
第四天/剩66天
今天很忙，以后更忙。幸好这个星期我们才刚来，他们能原谅我们的过失，可是以后就不能再犯了。听了今天的讲座，感觉上，我能在这走下去。时间很快就会过去，因为当我知道了一个星期的行程，就没那么放不下心。希望在马六甲的昱恩和在PD的Leena可以熬过这10个星期。
我不想麻烦父母，如果他们每个星期来会很费力。我看到他们也不能控制泪水。我会变得更强，更独立。
10/12/14-星期三
第5天，剩65天
今天还好，只是有写马来人很烦，叫排队还在讲话乱跑。
今早上课在kem第一次和男生接触，他们剪botak后超好笑，本来很帅的都变和尚了！
Sandy进步了，今晚遇到虫子也没喊。后来大家坐下来谈心事，她哭了！我反而觉得没什么，虽然有点眼湿湿，可是过了五天，感觉也没了。
11/12/14-星期四
第6天/剩64天
今天晚上或明天早上就能拿回手机了。天啊，我不敢相信自己已离开家人一个星期了！我在这已睡了六天！第一和第三晚是哭着入睡的，其他日子却是累的一躺就睡，况且自己也习惯了这里的生活。
12/12/14-星期五
第7天/剩63天
啊————————今天脚跟很痛！！！！我换到了鞋子，走路时不会掉，可是脚很痛！！！！
手机明天下午4点多才能拿，所以我想也是要用电话卡了。要找时间打给老妈，可是我想她大部分时间会在公司，不能在家那东西。
When I say crap Saturday, I really meant it was crap.
It was hot and humid and I sat on the bus for nearly 3 hours before reaching the place. No wonder dad said he couldn't find the camp. Few were lucky to get a place near home (Ipoh). The basket did not come in handy... yet. Maybe next time, maybe. I carried my stuff till my hands ache back to my dorm. It was a black plastic bag with all our clothes and shoes, plus blankets and bed sheets. After all that I had to carry my luggage ALL the way uphill to my dorm. It was the farthest place (pun intended, guess the soundtrack), and required a lot of work to get my things on. Getting down will be like Sonic though.
07/12/14-Sunday
2nd day/69 days left
今天很闲。本来以为可以4点多洗澡，哪知道洗到一半要集合，听到报告吓死人！没想到我昨晚竟哭着入睡，想想有点后悔昨天的臭脸，应该好好说再见……写到有点眼湿湿的。我找到好方法不让自己太伤心——倒数日子。这是可以让我心好受一点的方法。
08/12/14-星期一
第3天/剩68天
啊，以后应该没机会这样有空了吧？除了星期日之外，大概也没什么机会写日记了。每天争厕所，争洗澡间，争食物……只希望生活可以过得好，一天一天快快地过。
虽然很累，以后会更累，可是晚上看见了一个在家是永远不可能看到的情景——满天的星星（当然还有很大很远很亮的月亮）。忽然有点感动。
09/12/14-星期二
第四天/剩66天
今天很忙，以后更忙。幸好这个星期我们才刚来，他们能原谅我们的过失，可是以后就不能再犯了。听了今天的讲座，感觉上，我能在这走下去。时间很快就会过去，因为当我知道了一个星期的行程，就没那么放不下心。希望在马六甲的昱恩和在PD的Leena可以熬过这10个星期。
我不想麻烦父母，如果他们每个星期来会很费力。我看到他们也不能控制泪水。我会变得更强，更独立。
10/12/14-星期三
第5天，剩65天
今天还好，只是有写马来人很烦，叫排队还在讲话乱跑。
今早上课在kem第一次和男生接触，他们剪botak后超好笑，本来很帅的都变和尚了！
Sandy进步了，今晚遇到虫子也没喊。后来大家坐下来谈心事，她哭了！我反而觉得没什么，虽然有点眼湿湿，可是过了五天，感觉也没了。
11/12/14-星期四
第6天/剩64天
今天晚上或明天早上就能拿回手机了。天啊，我不敢相信自己已离开家人一个星期了！我在这已睡了六天！第一和第三晚是哭着入睡的，其他日子却是累的一躺就睡，况且自己也习惯了这里的生活。
12/12/14-星期五
第7天/剩63天
啊————————今天脚跟很痛！！！！我换到了鞋子，走路时不会掉，可是脚很痛！！！！
手机明天下午4点多才能拿，所以我想也是要用电话卡了。要找时间打给老妈，可是我想她大部分时间会在公司，不能在家那东西。
15 February 2015
Love Hurts
Before I start my journal entries, I'm sorry about the sudden hiatus, because of my departure to boot(y) camp has become relevant. Another thing to say here is that you may see entries with 'funny' content, as in content about my love life in the camp.
I never knew how liking someone feels, so when I felt fishy about that certain someone, I asked a friend who has a boyfriend, and she said that:
It is a torture being friends with them, because you like them, but you can't do anything about it. You don't want to ruin the friendship and trust formed. If they were a guy, I wouldn't be this sad, but they aren't. You know what I mean.
I cried almost everyday for at least 2 hours just for her, thinking of my dumb heart. I know it's going to hurt deeper than hell, but what can I do? The heart never stops beating. The fact that she's from the same checkpoint as me makes it hurt more. I had nothing to lose, so I decided to be honest with her on the day of departure and end things, to make my heart easier. 14 February 2015. Valentines's Day. Great.
I tried to pull her away from the crowd, but she wouldn't budge no matter how I begged. The I asked her, "Do you know something?" She answered with that damn killer smile, "What do you think?" That was the last straw. I got so frustrated at myself, before we board the bus, I told her: "After this, we have nothing to do with each other." I regretted saying that sometimes, but I knew it was for the best. The mere sight of her can pierce my heart like a thousand, no... maybe infinite knives.
If you ask me why I like her, I couldn't give you an answer, because I don't know. This is when the 'Love is blind' quote comes in. However, the reason maybe she's everything I wanted to be: great body, a pretty face for show, athletic, and really good at conversations, especially with boys. She's everything I'm not. I envy her. And maybe that's why I like her so much. Opposites attract right?
Don't get me wrong, I think I still like guys, because I feel nothing for other girls other than her. And I feel stupid because my first love was actually a girl. I had counsel with two friends in camp, both who have friends like me. I'm thankful to them for understanding me and giving me support, even though it was for a short time. I can live my life peacefully without seeing her anywhere, and I hope, that time can heal my shattered heart. It may leave a tiny scar, but that is what makes me stronger. There are more challenges to come in the future, and I can't be idle.
And to her, if you're reading this (I doubt it), I'm sorry I ever said that, and if at that time you didn't know what I think you know, now you know. However I'm still done with you until the scar in my hearts never aches again (Harry Potter pun intended).
Childhood song #5:
I never knew how liking someone feels, so when I felt fishy about that certain someone, I asked a friend who has a boyfriend, and she said that:
...your eyes will trail after them, and they're the first person you try to search in a crowd.And it's not just that. When they speak, their voice gives you shivers, when they are close you want to hold them, when you see them you cannot advert your eyes. The feeling can be described as the process of redirecting lightning, an intense, exhilarating, but terrifying experience. You laugh for no reason at one time, and then cry the next moment from pain. I realized I'm a very dominant person. I get really jealous when they get too friendly with other people, and get depressed when they ignore me. When being with them, I feel so happy I could just die.
It is a torture being friends with them, because you like them, but you can't do anything about it. You don't want to ruin the friendship and trust formed. If they were a guy, I wouldn't be this sad, but they aren't. You know what I mean.
I cried almost everyday for at least 2 hours just for her, thinking of my dumb heart. I know it's going to hurt deeper than hell, but what can I do? The heart never stops beating. The fact that she's from the same checkpoint as me makes it hurt more. I had nothing to lose, so I decided to be honest with her on the day of departure and end things, to make my heart easier. 14 February 2015. Valentines's Day. Great.
I tried to pull her away from the crowd, but she wouldn't budge no matter how I begged. The I asked her, "Do you know something?" She answered with that damn killer smile, "What do you think?" That was the last straw. I got so frustrated at myself, before we board the bus, I told her: "After this, we have nothing to do with each other." I regretted saying that sometimes, but I knew it was for the best. The mere sight of her can pierce my heart like a thousand, no... maybe infinite knives.
If you ask me why I like her, I couldn't give you an answer, because I don't know. This is when the 'Love is blind' quote comes in. However, the reason maybe she's everything I wanted to be: great body, a pretty face for show, athletic, and really good at conversations, especially with boys. She's everything I'm not. I envy her. And maybe that's why I like her so much. Opposites attract right?
Don't get me wrong, I think I still like guys, because I feel nothing for other girls other than her. And I feel stupid because my first love was actually a girl. I had counsel with two friends in camp, both who have friends like me. I'm thankful to them for understanding me and giving me support, even though it was for a short time. I can live my life peacefully without seeing her anywhere, and I hope, that time can heal my shattered heart. It may leave a tiny scar, but that is what makes me stronger. There are more challenges to come in the future, and I can't be idle.
And to her, if you're reading this (I doubt it), I'm sorry I ever said that, and if at that time you didn't know what I think you know, now you know. However I'm still done with you until the scar in my hearts never aches again (Harry Potter pun intended).
Childhood song #5:
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